He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
