hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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