Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize