last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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