I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
