it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
