Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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