The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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