i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
