its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
