I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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