Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
