You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
