I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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