I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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