I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
