shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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