"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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