I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
