I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
