Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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