Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
