Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
