Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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