totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
