mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
