oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I can feel your judgement through the phone
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
