He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I puked a lego.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
