I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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