bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
