I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
