I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
