I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
