also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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