First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
