Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
