the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
