Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
