RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize