i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
