she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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