are you still at the devil's house?
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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