After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
