I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
