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this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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