If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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