Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
