I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
