I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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