I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
