Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
