I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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