So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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