mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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