I haven't been this sober since birth.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize