I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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