Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
