So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
