You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
