I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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