its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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