Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
